"Don't quit your day job."

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Small Town Girl

I can't sleep. Have tried watching that home shopping show - that usually works. But tonight they had this really cool handy-dandy, all in one thingambob that I had to have. So I spent the last two hours thawing out my credit card and by then they had sold out. Bastards.

So I decided to jump online and came across an article about 10 things a single girl should have. I was a little disappointed cuz, as a single girl, I found it lame and that it pertained mostly toward the urban girl. It did meet my expectations, however, in that it gave me something to be a smart ass about. So, I've decided to write a list for the small town girl, mainly to amuse myself...

10 Things a Small Town Single Girl Should Possess

1. A family tree of all the single men in your town, as it's quite possible you're related to a few without knowing it.

2. Ability to successfully maneuver a big-ass pick-up truck hauling a bumper-pull trailer thru "traffic" at the county fair, and find a place to park (doesn't need to be a legal spot), while not spilling your beer.*

3. Being able to debate effectively and intelligently over which is better - Coors Light or Bud Light.

4. A helluva right (or left) hook. This can come in handy for a number of reasons, but specifically when shopping. As selection is limited, and re-stocking can take months - it may be helpful when you and another shopper are eying the last item. However, the following items are exempt: beer, chewing tobacco, cigarettes and ammo - cuz in the unlikely event there was to be a shortage - take cover. Buying in bulk is your best bet, anyway.

5. An updated event calendar from the Bowling Alley - so you can keep up on social events.

6. One timeless cocktail dress - chances are you'll never need one - but if so, you won't have to worry about looking dated as it could be years in between occasions.

7. Ability to change a flat tire for two reasons: One - if you're on a county road it could be days before someone drives by (unless, of course, your parked and your windows are fogged up...**). Two - cell towers are far and few between so forget about calling anyone if you don't have a "bag" phone (a big honk'n thing that actually requires a carry case with a strap) as a back up.

8. Ability to siphon gas from either a tractor, ATV, or your neighbor's vehicle. This really comes in handy when it's 6:05 PM and your on E and all the gas stations are closed.

9. A good disguise and the ability to start a whopper of a rumor about someone else to take the heat off you the morning after having a really good time at the Bowing Alley - if need be...

10. Even though, most likely you'll know his sexual history and even perhaps details from standing in line at the grocery store - a reasonable supply of condoms. Buying this item in bulk might not be a good idea.

* This statement is not meant in any way to promote drinking and driving - seriously.
** Knowledge of this was not obtained through personal experience - I swear mom!

I feel, perhaps I should explain that I grew up in small towns. The smallest had a population of 25 - people that is. I have also lived for a number of years in the big city (pop 2.58 million) - but recently moved back to the area where most of my family lives. For the most part the change has been good - though sometimes I wonder what the hell I was thinking. Scary thing is, the town I live in is the biggest one for a couple hundred miles in either direction - at least. To give you an idea just how scary that is - there is only one Taco Bell in town. But I guess, at least there is one. Also, not only to most places still accept checks - few ask for an ID. Unless you are from out of state - then it's cash only (being from out of state around here is like an American in France). Oh, and if you realize you've left your wallet at home after fueling up - they actually let you go home and get! This I know from personal experience. I thought for sure they'd call the cops or worse - make me clean the bathrooms. So, anyway, there are some good things about living in a small town.

Well, I think that half bottle of Jack is kicking in - so good night or actually morning.


  • nice thoughts....

    By Blogger Me, at 7:20 AM  

  • Just a quick note: I was joking about the thawing out the credit card - don't own them any more, and was kidding about the half bottle of Jack. What really did the trick was proof reading this post over and over again -I still missed some errors I am sure.

    By Blogger jess360, at 7:02 PM  

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