"Don't quit your day job."

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Home and Garden



It has been several years since I owned a house and I'm loving it. Except for the mowing, weeding and watering part of it. I sorta miss the old weird guy that would wake me up at 8 AM on a Sunday with his diesel lawn mower (OK, it sounded like it was) at my apartment complex.

I went home for lunch and almost drove past my house - it looked like it was abandoned. Well, alright it didn't look THAT bad - just like the beginning of a small jungle. I can't believe what neglecting it for a week does... My parents would be horrified (good thing they are out of town). Their lawn is perfect. I mean flawless. No weeds, brown spots - just thick luscious grass. My dad mows every other day, each time in a different direction. I'd do that too, except I can never remember which way I went last time - cuz I can't remember the last time I mowed...

So anyway, I was out front today watering the flowers (at least I think they were flowers), and my weird neighbor comes over. He's nice, just, well a little off. We've never had a full conversation, not even the weather chat. Mainly, I see him on his deck smoking a cigarette as I'm coming and going. He'll wave, and I'll wave back. So why, do you ask, is he weird? Well, things like staring at a tree for hours, laying in the middle of his backyard (which makes mine look I employ a professional yard guy - hey wait - not a bad idea... I could hire a really hot college dude- umm sorry, where was I - oh, weird neighbor guy) laughing at clouds (at least that's my best guess), and well - let's just say he doesn't hide the fact that he routinely partakes in cyber sex.

Now I realize, that to some people this stuff may not seem weird. In fact, he's an Average Joe compared to previous neighbors. It's just, that feeling you get in your gut, that something's just not right - ya know? Like when the cops show up at your door asking if you'd seen your neighbor lately - and you almost blurt out "Now that I think about it, he's been gone for a few days - I actually slept thru the night without hearing "Yeah, baby that's it - ah, damn lost the connection again!

Well, my gut feeling was confirmed today. He came over and stood there for a minute, watching me water the weeds - I mean flowers. I was really hoping his computer wasn't down. "Hey." I said with my best friendly neighbor, mind my own business and would never rat you out the cops smile. "Hey." he replied, still staring at the hose. "Water'n your flowers, huh?" he said with a perfect Floyd impression(from the movie True Romance). "Uh, yep I am - well, I think most of them are weeds, though." His eyes lit up. "Yeah, really? I like weed - it's my friend." He said with Beevis-like laughter - or was it more like Butthead? Anyway, I decided to cut the conversation short before he started smoking my flower garden.

If I mentioned this to my mom - she'd be worried. Not me, though. I think is better to have openly weird neighbors, instead of normal, quiet ones. Cuz, whenever the neighbors of a serial killer are interviewed, they always say - "He seemed so normal, we never heard a peep out of him."

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